White Trash Rumble!

White T have long expressed their differences by beating each other to a pulp. New Stereotypes continues this tradition by bringing natural adversaries together and letting them duke it out (in a civilized, debate format, of course)...

TOPIC: Is eating the best way to enjoy the beach?

ADVERSARIES:

• Arguing in the affirmative - All-You-Can-Eat T
• Arguing in the negative - Euro T

OPENING STATEMENT, ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT T:

The days are getting longer and the weather's getting hotter, so I'm going to welcome summer by adding a couple holes to my belt.

Break out the KC Masterpiece, folks, 'cause beach barbecue season is here!

News cameras get ready! This weekend I'm packing my wife Joanna and our five chicken nuggets into the Oldsmobile for a weekend at the shore.

I'm going after my record of scarfing 80 chicken wings in 5 minutes, slathered with Frank's Red Sauce, of course. So finish your spring rolls before you come to the big kids' table - I don't dine with amateurs. I didn't get my picture hung at Harry's All-You-Can-Eat Buffet for nibbling the kiddie menu portions you Frenchies eat.

What I need at the beach is some Kingsford charcoal and plenty of lighter fluid. What I don't need is some sunken-chested Euro kicking sand in my hibachi.

OPENING STATEMENT, EURO T:

So typical of ze fat American cow. Always you must have your MacDonald Big Mac with you. I am surprised you even take ze time to cook your food. Everything in USA is fast food. You do not want to cook, only eat.

You eat like ze pig but you know nothing of food. Like loving ze woman, it takes time, preparation, and many sauces.

And ze beach is not for ze fat man with breasts like woman. Ze beach is for amour. And for this I have passion!

I apply ze Bain de Soleil, smoke ze cigarette, and look for ze woman.

ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT T:

Hold on to your beret, Pierre. The only smoke on the beach should come from sizzling burgers and dogs, not from your Virginia Slims. But maybe that's asking too much coming from a guy who spends four hours trying to finish off the first course. It's amazing you people ever make it to dessert!

And why do you have frog legs with all that sun oil you guys pour on yourselves? That stuff doesn't work at all. When I rub my big beautiful wife, Joanna, down with vegetable shortening she looks sweeter than a double glazed ham basting in the Jersey sun.

So listen up! No one wants to watch you play smash ball in your Speedos - packing your kibbles and bits tighter than chorizo sausage. I don't want my kids seeing Euro porn at the beach.

EURO T:

You Americans, so scandalized by ze bathing Frenchman. Yes, I wear ze Speedo bathing suit. I am not afraid of ze human body. I know ze body is made for amour, not for eating ze, how you say, jelly donut.

You love your Rambo movie. You love your death penalty. But you hate amour! Ze Americans would rather make chili than make love! For this I have passion!

In USA everything is, how you say, backward. No topless women on ze beach but your men are so fat they SHOULD wear ze bra. Why is this? I go to ze Riviera, I see ze beautiful topless woman. I go to this, this New Jersey, and I see you with your fat face in ze bucket of KFC.

CLOSING STATEMENTS, ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT T:

This Yankee has no fear, Frenchie. I faced death last spring when I had my stomach pumped after winning the Bay County Crawfish Eat-Off.

The next morning I knocked out five Grand Slams at Denny's. Even Mike Piazza can't jack 'em outta the park like that.

If you cut me open, I'd bleed hot sauce. No one will prevent me from reaffirming my reign as Hot Wing King, especially some smelly foreigner who confuses women's panties for a bathing suit.

CLOSING STATEMENTS, EURO T:

Yes, I wear ze, how you say, woman's panty. I don't expect ze repressed American to know how to be sexy, to know passion, to know ze beach.

Ze beach is like ze discotheque. You play ze techno music, you drink ze wine, you love ze woman, and you smoke ze cigarette.

But probably I cannot even smoke on ze beach in USA. Probably if I smoke you give me this death penalty you love so much. You have your handgun at ze beach, but you cannot have your cigarette! Why is this?

Again, I say, ze beach is for amour! For this I have passion!