So you want to be a competitive eater? By All-You-Can-Eat Trash
With these tips, you'll be well on your way to competitive eating glory.
Get used to throwing up - Too many eaters never reach their full potential because they fear throwing up. But you ever watch a triathlon? Those guys push their bodies so hard they puke all the time. But you know what? After they spill, they keep going. That kind of mental toughness is key for anyone who eats competitively.
Time yourself - Almost all eating competitions have time limits, but too many Americans are too complacent about eating. Sure you can down a gallon of cookie dough ice cream in one sitting. But how long is that sitting? If you're serious about competitive eating, you can't afford to nurse a gallon of ice cream for an entire episode of 'Just Shoot Me.' Try eating the ice cream with the gallon resting on your bare belly. Use the freezing temperatures of the ice cream to make you eat faster.
Wear expandable pants - Like any athlete, the competitive eater cannot allow restrictive clothing to restrain his performance. That means wearing expandable pants. Drawstring. Elastic. Whatever works for you. You may want to ditch pants entirely and opt for a muumuu or ultra-relaxed robe.
Don't listen to the critics - I've heard them all: "You'll never finish that." "Why are you doing this?" "You're disgusting!" If I listened to all the naysayers I would still be just an average eater, some lightweight who gets excited over finishing a six-egg omelet.
Visualize success - Don't be intimidated by the mountains of cold cuts or cherry pies or Rocky Mountain oysters before you. Close your eyes. Relax. See yourself eating more than you've ever eaten before. Don't focus on the pain of tearing stomach lining. Focus on how glorious it will be when you win.
New Parent Trash: Thinks friends enjoy updates on baby's bowels. Ad Exec Trash: Watches movies for the product placement. Recycling Trash: Organized a Neighborhood Watch to report non-recyclers. Kitsch Trash: Insists on bringing a 'Welcome Back Kotter' lunchbox to work. War Trash: Drinks every time he hears "weapons of mass destruction." Facelift Trash: Gets every tenth surgery free.
Click here for an extended list of selected trash.
Guest Author, Book Lover Trash: Just when you thought America couldn't get any more illiterate, we hear that Simon & Schuster is paying Pamela Anderson $2 million to write a novel. I'm serious.
Frankly, I had never watched her lifeguard television program until I heard that she dared to venture into the genre of Austin, Bronte and Wolfe.
Of course I don't actually OWN a television, so I had to witness this visual abomination at my dear friend Sergio's apartment.
He's a documentary film director, so I suppose he can be forgiven for owning the Devil's box.
Did you eat like a champion? By All-You-Can-Eat Trash
Thanksgiving is the perfect time to kick your training up a notch. But there's a difference between eating like a weekend warrior and a champion. Think you can stomach the world of competitive eating? Think about your eating performance this weekend, and see if you accomplished these signs of greatness:
You wore sweatpants the entire weekend.
You ate till your vision blurred.
You made sure there would be no leftovers.
You loaded up on coffee so turkey-induced naps wouldn't cut into eating time.
Guest Author, Book Lover Trash: Just when you thought America couldn't get any more illiterate, we hear that Simon & Schuster is paying Pamela Anderson $2 million to write a novel. I'm serious.
